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Hopefully you will hear my heart beating by the end. Because this is where the most relevant articles on liberation exist now. At this point, in , the articles with the most cutting-edge insights and integrity on anti-oppression are also critical of academic privilege, and published in democratized settings; on personal blogs or on websites like autostraddle. And the proof of their relevance becomes clear in how they are taken up by Community in dialogue, and how the terms and ideas put forth in those articles are incorporated into the public imaginary.

This is distinctly different from typical academic publishings that end up in dusty peer reviewed journals, for academics, by academics. A case study of a person who underestimated the impact of democratized publishing is feminist transmasculine person Jack Halberstam who published an article You Are Triggering me! Halberstam miscalculated how his ideas would be taken up in the public sphere, and because of this he didn't do follow up with dialogue or accountability on social media, and because of this he is no longer considered a broadly respected feminist outside of academia.

The ivory tower no longer has the vice grip on relevant ideas the way it once did. If I want to write about survivors and gender violence, I need to engage the most relevant publishers, and some, or even most, of those people are publishing outside of academia now.

So these are the people I will be majority sourcing here. My goal for this is to criteria dialogue between my main points and my follow up points, so that readers can have the option to dig deeper into the onion layers of the story, or they can stay on the main artery of the story line.

It feels more accessible to me to organize my footnotes also as a gesture, and a subtext conversation that handles tangents and sidebars and long descriptive parenthesis, that also perform the function of referencing, rather than as a perfectly collating the information into a rigid structure that is only readable to an academic audience. I feel that this will make my footnotes more readable to more people, and it involves bending the academic referencing rules.

Writing this is hard. This material is sore for me. When I imagine an academic 33 Halberstam, Jack. July 7, Like I'm offering my wound up for assessment. When I imagine turning this into a blog post, I flinch, because there are details in here that feel too vulnerable to share on social media again. I want to offer up a narrative of my journey through trauma recovery as a study in non-dualism.

A lived, auto-ethnographic, choose your own adventure, study in poetic communication and post-structuralist thought. Working my way through a culture of academia and counter-culture, and counter-counter-culture, asking questions about how we see our trauma and belonging and witnessing. I hope this story inspires curiosity and questions. A thesis has a clear and valid and defensible point. If you expect to be able to fully understand the gender binary after reading this, I will fail you.

The burden of proof is too high. To fully explain the gender binary, I would first have to fully explain gender. Debates are still thick across science-based disciplines, feminist oriented networks and the blogosphere, as to whether gender is primarily a thing of nature or nurture.

That gender is felt, and it is performed People who study gender their entire lives, and who have bodies and lives where gender is a constant focus still struggle to define it. But generally, there is some agreement that gender is complex, and personal. Leggo, Carl. Poetic intelligence lacks… focused investment in conclusion, being naturally wary of its own assumptions.

It derives its energy from a willingness to discard conclusion in the face of evidence, its willingness, in fact, to discard anything. The Second Sex. London: Vintage Books. It quickly achieved viral status on the internet, and soon became a staple image in classrooms and workshops about gender. I would also need to define binary systems, which is also something that theorists struggle to do neatly and in unison. Deconstructing binaries is an approach that can be traced back to Ancient Greek thought.

Not only is there infinity, but we can traverse infinity. In Ivan Coyote and Rae Spoon published Gender Failure, a book exploring both the ways in which they fail to fit into the gender binary, and the ways the gender binary, in all of its rigidness, fails to recognize all of us. When we adopt a nebulous view of gender, where it is difficult to define, but generally there is an agreement that there seems to be two poles, and layer into that the idea that there is not only infinite space between those poles, but that there is also infinite possibilities for movement- we arrive in the reality that genderqueers, genderfucks, gender anarchists, gender retirees, choose to live in.

And it is difficult to describe to people outside this culture, because the bedrock of these identities requires a movement towards non-binary thinking- an existential shift towards viewing the world less in black and white terms, and less in fixed terms. It means living a life of faith in the grey and the changeable.

Because in a state of fear, in a pattern of learned vigilance, there isn't any time to wonder. It fosters binary thinking. And one of the ways of healing this stress response is to use cognitive behavioral therapy to remind ourselves that there is room for grey and for movement between the extremeness In Zen Buddhism people are encouraged to see the middle way between extremes, where things are neither entirely fixed nor completely changeable.

Nietzsche also talks about looking to nature, which is inherently fluid, as a working metaphor for the broader nature of things. Evidence of a fluid universe on both a micro and macro level. If we take fluidity as a given, then poetry makes more sense than analytical writing, which takes a false hidden premise enthymeme that words have a relationship to the concepts they represent. If we buy the idea of gesture, that 21 Interestingly, many queer people develop BPD, as a result of their gender performance being persecuted.

This persecution creates a very real and justified fear of strangers because there is a very real possibility that strangers will cause some degree of harm to visibly queer people. This plays out as genderqueer people walk down the street, confronted with people who stare at them and make rude and degrading comments. People who receive stares like this can become extremely literate in body language because their safety depends on it.

And they can find themselves in a state of vigilance walking down the street where they are looking for micro-expressions of disgust, fear, curiosity, confusion. Because basic dignity and physical safety can depend on being able to read micro-expressions. So, a non-binary perspective, for queer people, is often both the cause of trauma, and the healing salve. Queers often dance in between male and female, and in between enemy and friend And every weekend, queers dance in clubs, warehouse parties, and drag shows.

Something to wonder about: conceptual dancing and literal dancing are integral to queer culture. They both dress and act in ways that fall outside of the gender binary. So we went for a walk in downtown Vancouver, and took some pictures… We experienced rubbernecking: entitled watching; unfounded staring; voyeurism.

Figure 5: thewaywelookmatters Taz is walking down the street, while a couple stares. This is the kind of image I was most interested in catching. This method of public photography is riffing off of the work of Haley Morris Cafiero, who specializes in bullying photography; where the goal is to catch the facial expressions of passers-by and spread awareness of fat-phobia. This is the nature of how queer bodies are typically read in space.

In order to do the kind of shoot that was in alignment with the letter of what I applied to do, I would have had to discard shots, change the framing to exclude members of the public, and ask the photographer to change the focus. A redacting. A repressing of a certain kind of looking. The staring is overt, unkind, and unnecessary. The Watchers.

Ontario, Canada: The Magenta Foundation, Queer Phenomenology: Orientations, Objects, Others. Durham: Duke University Press. The proposition was to treat queer bodies as photographic subjects in public space. But we knew that the queer subjects would become objects, without our consent or control, and this is what we actually wanted to document- a kind of queer subjectivity failure: the othering of queer subjects, the turning of queer subjects into strange objects in public space.

At the end of the. They are now seeing themselves be seen- turning them and their gawking into the object. Does this replicate the harm of the gawking? Are we now gawking at them? I think it depends how we have this conversation. It depends how much humanity we leave gawker. As I was describing the process of describing myself describing gawking in this piece to my partner, who is familiar with how visible queers are gawked at, they told me about how earlier that day they had been gawked at.

They identify as an invisibilized femme, where femme is a queering of feminine. They were in a liquor store: and at the checkout the cashier asked them about the pin on their vest. Returning to the disciplining quality of prescriptive grammar where people believe that if "they" is prescribed to refer to multiple people in the dictionary , that trumps the reality of "they" being used for singular genderqueer people in queer culture, and the validating quality of institutional stamps of approval where the difference between urban dictionary and Oxford dictionary determines the validity of word usage.

We should also consider the ways that we allow rules of grammar to trump other dialects or communication. We don't need to build walls of exclusion around language. Rhetoric is about bridge-building. Time slows down. There is more meaning in what they are looking at than they can fit into their current reality. Cognitive dissonance occurs. And rejection or integration, or some combination of both follows. The process of asking for witnessing from people who can't see you can damage your voice.

It becomes a crisis of audience. A rhetorical impossibility. Gender Failure. Vancouver: Arsenal Pulp Press, , March 3, Like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. This happened to me. I could feel it as my voice went. First I started saying that I was getting burnt-out from defending myself.

I couldn't talk about anything that felt like I was holding more than one piece of information at a time, as if my need to always be holding what people couldn't see about my story right there in case I needed to leap to my own defense. I was a burnt-out defense attorney who couldn't stand up for myself anymore.

So I left the city to work on farms and be with animals and plants. Many queers exist in a steady state of solidarity scarcity. We sometimes trade our dignity to walk on the surface and feel normal. My queer PTSD was getting tripped. It was the feeling I get when I'm in proximity to queers who might have bad blood with each other.

In fact, they explain many times in the book, that since they do not 56 The language they use to describe gender is both the cause and the effect of this. Vancouver: Arsenal Pulp Press. To reject the binary that rejects them. The conversation they had with my friend was a pivotal changing point for them. Or is that too binary?

I wanted to hear what was going on for my friend in that moment. We texted and processed it. Sometimes queers fail to see each other. There are probably gaps in my ability to interpret both of their experiences. I notice I keep the rawest details to myself now. Something about having the police officer ask me to write it all out in more detail than I ever had.

Something about how she told me there was nothing she could do with that information because it contained no evidence. I was hemorrhaging details everywhere, but not enough to drink. Something about how I hoped she would be able to do more than nothing because she was a woman.

And maybe she would be able to sympathize because maybe she or someone she knew had been raped too. So I have a vigilance now, where I notice that I assume someone will find my assault details simultaneously too heavy, and yet not solid enough to count.

I struggle to imagine an audience I can reach. If I imagine a non-queer audience then I feel like talking about my journey through gender pronouns something that can feel like both a basic, yet advanced and abstract aspect of myself, depending on who I'm talking to is too much of a Gender 30 type conversation, and that it would be best for me to use the most entry level gender language. This is a safety calculous. I am assessing where I will lose you. Figure 9: Redacted. If I imagine a queer audience, I flinch at the idea of sharing the information that I publicly called out a trans guy for rape.

So a white passing trans guy, calling out another white passing trans guy, is challenging for queer community to understand and show support towards. I believe both the perpetrator and the survivor deserve support, and I believe healing and resolution can come about that way.

I was using the medium started by Project Unbreakable, where victims of sexual assault take a picture of themselves holding a sign with a quote from their rapist. The idea is that in doing this they are reclaiming agency over the moment, and making themselves whole again, and thus unbreakable.

But I do feel able to share the ways in which sharing that photo felt vulnerable, and the ways in which my silence has changed shape. At the time of the original photo, I wanted people to know the intimate details. I would rather share the ways in which the sharing process itself hurt.

And sharing about that blur has been having an unbarring effect. When in fact my experience around most of the pieces that lead to being able to write this were bloody, doubt-filled and confusing. This piece will likely be perceived to be too subjective and sloppy. And then this makes the stakes very high that your little pocket of trees be safe.

Morton, Alexandra, and Billy Proctor. A Look at the Phrase's Year History. Accessed April 12, It was about showing up to a queer party, just as a femme and a drag queen were making fun of sex workers. Amber Dawn explains that it was literally blocks from where sex workers she knew had disappeared. She talked about feeling betrayed by queer community. Feeling unsafe in her body. I recognized that story partly because that kind of scenario is typical of lateral aggressions at queer parties.

Queer partying is 1-part liberation, 1-part anxiety, and 1-part daggers cutting into lifelong wounds to the pulse of house music. Queer social anxiety is often a mix of excitement and well-founded fear. The other reason I recognized the story was because I was there that night.

I was standing outside. I watched Amber Dawn arrive. I watched the femme and the drag queen, who were my friends, make the joke. I watched Amber Dawn tell them to never ever talk about those women like that. And in that moment, it functioned as basically saying nothing. It was too quiet. No research survey can quantify the harmful impact of having your queer communities-- your so called safe inclusive spaces -- other you again and again.

Where safety is considered a collaborative process, and where absolute, binary safety65 is considered unattainable. This revision focuses more on promising to increase safety, rather than promising total safety. This feels more honest. Less gas-lighty. Vancouver: Arsenal Pulp Press, , 65 Where safety is understood to exist if and only if all danger is removed, in a safety or danger, never safety and danger framework.

It results in someone losing faith in their own perspective. It damages eyes and voices. It encourages fake smiles and forced stories of good times. I wanted to talk about how my friend who insulted sex workers could be both an uplifting part of the overall vibe of the party, and also, in that moment, an undermining quality.

In an environment where total safety has been promised, a breach in that safety means total failure. I wished there was a way in which we were expecting degrees of failure that night. Figure More Looking. People would have been more open to 67 Dawn, Amber.

I felt like I was under scrutiny to see if I was just trigger happy and oversensitive. I was unsure. And in flinching, and letting the moment pass me by, I was a bystander. They are tangible. That's also why I came out publicly about being sexually assaulted. Before coming out I'd talked about the experience privately with friends and acquaintances, but there was always something that felt kind of hypothetical about what I was sharing.

I was sharing the feeling about being sexually assaulted, which was being disregarded just as easily as my feelings-based way of being in the world has been countless times. I did however talk to my boss the next day and I told him that something had happened, and that we needed to make a plan to address it.

At the time I suggested this, my boss agreed. But he said he wanted to have the conversation with her privately. I contacted him. I quit after that conversation. And I wonder if that was the right decision every day. Maybe I could have worked it out with him. Real or imagined- it would have worn me down. And when I published it, more people believed me. Many people did not, and eventually their skepticism created an acid fog that made it impossible for me to continue living in Vancouver with any shred of self-0respect or dignity.

But even as I was existing under their skeptical looks, I could tell they felt they were looking at something. They were engaging with something real. They had likely read it or heard about it. That piece was real. Afterwards he went into hiding and left the city. That piece is real too.

I had gotten them to see something. Even if I wasn't being held deep enough or warm enough. Sometimes people don't understand what they see and reject it, and sometimes people know what they're seeing but the reality of what they're looking at is too much to integrate, and so they scowl or look away.

I wanted to be able to show other people what it was like to be looked at the way I was getting looked at. My friend who didn't receive those looks could see. They could see people glaring at me on the bus or rubbernecking as they walked past me on the street. That there would be something about it that would make it feel like it was happening to them. Because I started to look like I fit in a gender box. And I did receive glares. But if you put a frog in tepid water, and then increase the temperature slowly, the water will eventually come to a boil and the frog will stay in the pot and die.

I found her blocking particularly inspiring. The way she positioned herself, doing mundane activities, in public space. I also really appreciate the concept behind her next project: capturing the looks of surprise on people who notice she is taking pictures of people. She also takes her pictures to art galleries which brings in another layer of audience looking at the looking. The confusion triggered anger in him. He wanted me to explain myself to him as he yelled at me.

He thought his need to understand my gender had priority over the dignity I was losing by enduring his pointing and his questions. After the viral video of the woman walking through New York,72 there were countless videos of a similar nature; documenting how gay men, disabled people and fat people are looked at as they walk down the street.

People were hungry to explain to the world that micro-expressions can amount to micro-aggressions, and microaggressions matter. The way we look matters. We talked while we looked at the footage together. Before the shoot, in our first interview they were excited. They knew they had a gender performance that attracted a lot of staring.

They said they were interested in documenting and seeing that. After the performance, one month later, they were more masculine than I had ever seen them. I felt bad for noticing that. That day Justin was talking about how queer visibility is hard in the gaming community. They were making themselves abundantly visible to help those who were afraid to be seen feel like there was someone else holding that spotlight.

When I saw them one month after our shoot, they were standing adjacent to that spotlight. We talked about that too. They said they were pulling that part of themselves in for a bit, to take a break. So they don't burn out. October 28, The idea is that photograph are more evocative than words, and that photos transport us somewhere.

I wanted us to feel transported back to the scene, to feel those eyes again, and to talk about it. Not all of us are doing this all the time. And sometimes queers weaponize their victim statuses against each other.

They thought that I was struggling to handle rejection and that I wanted revenge. The reason someone coming out about sexual assault can be perceived that way in the queer community is because of how rampant this kind of behavior is. It has to escalate to the level of a call-out because there are gaps in our collective protocol around how we as a culture respond to sexual assault.

It has since been taken down after the blog closed. Sometimes queers are assholes. And lots of them are that way for very understandable reasons. And sometimes this doesn't make the assholery ok. And sometimes it does. Resting bitch face falls along these strata. Resting bitch face,76 if you are unfamiliar, is when someone's baseline facial expression is cold. They're always glaring at the world, to some degree. In the queer community it's part of the culture to know that lots of queers have resting bitch face.

And it's also part of the lore to believe that the reason for this is because normies do us wrong won't hire queers, won't rent to queers, won't look at or treat queers nicely, the degree and visibility of this varies based on the degree of gender failure and geography. There are so many understandable reasons for resting bitch face and so many tragic consequences.

I think a similar logic can be used to understand resting bitch face in queers many of whom identify as women, or who have feminized experiences. The leader of this movement was Michael Alig who then goes on to end the movement79 by murdering his social competitor and roommate. The narrative of the documentary suggests that it was childhood bullying that forged Alig into a Disco Murder. Maybe it's because queers often experience rejection at fundamental developmental times that we have trouble holding each other gently.

Sometimes we become party monsters and devour each other. Bailey Fenton. New York: World of Wonder, Although both sections of the city are LGBTQ, during the 3 years I lived there,80 EastVan had more people who were assigned female at birth and may now identify as: lesbians, transmen, nonbinary etc. And the West End has more people assigned male at birth who are attracted to other people assigned male at birth or transmen. I found it particularly challenging to move east and west, from queer space to gay space and back.

Nonetheless we have tangible experiences in these communities, and it can be helpful to talk about our experiences in these changing micro-cultures like they are nonetheless real even thought they are multifaceted, multiple, and changing cultures. We do not have one consistent agenda. Every Body. Vancouver Art and Leisure Society was supposed to be a space where everyone could party: gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, kinky, festival-goers, club kids.

LGBTQ and more! I started working in this organization by reaching out to the owner who was being inundated by a public call-out. I told him that I might be able to help him out, because it appeared as though he had made a faux pas without knowing. This was normal on the West End. It was social suicide in EastVan.

It is expected that if you are putting on an event for one member of a marginalized group, that you will be making room at the table for everyone. This means knowing how people in wheelchairs are going to experience your event and making those details clear to people as you advertise your event.

In the West End people want to know 1 who is performing. Gay and Queer are distinct yet overlapping cultures. Gays were traditionally cis-men who were persecuted in gay bars. Their liberation involves happily partying without getting beat up or killed. People who used to be gay now identify as queer; The cultures are mixing. But the spirit of the message was that we wanted people from east and west to converge on main street to mix with bisexuals and straight festival go-er 45 Figure Vancouver Club Kids.

I remembered thinking it seemed like an iconic moment. The image seems to call to mind a timeless club kid, unbothered by the goings on of the Nocturnal, and living in the underground. Night Visions: Beyond Good and Evil. Nothing could be worse or more dangerous. Worse, in the sense that to romanticize their situation is to give it a false nobility and no onus for anyone to push for change. Dangerous because you are ill-advised to stop counting sheep when wolves are about… I am here to insist you stop turning a blind eye to far corners of our society.

We are all our brother's keepers. If not, then who will come for us when we need help? Baron 46 These guys were gender failures and gender fucks too. What could go wrong? It was speculated that this was retaliation for stealing customers from the West End. Global News, January 8, Sometimes they cannibalize. We are not unanimous about the gay agenda.

The gays prefer screaming, body contact, sarcasm. The queers prefer conversations about consent. Bisexual people can party with any of them. But they also feel left out a lot. In my time working there I witnessed women coming to me to report consent violations I guess the limited conversations about consent was a complicated policy. I think we are able to hold each other well when we look at our trauma and rework it. I think that applies to everyone, not just queers. After all, I can at least blame the cruelty of straight, cis society on homophobia and transphobia.

But why are queers so mean to queers? The right party can be a powerful dialectic between action and theory. The right moments at a parties have profound butterfly-effect-esque impacts on cultural trends. August 16, What impact might that collective trauma have upon our bodies and spirits? Trauma theory holds that traumatized individuals — and, I hypothesize, queer and trans community as a whole — have well-worn neural networks shaped around the deeply held physical sensation that we are constantly in danger, that we are bad and unlovable, that others are untrustworthy and violent.

Every time we are abused, discriminated against or neglected, those neural networks become stronger, while our neural networks associated with safety and loving relationships atrophy. We become physically less capable of imagining a world where being with others is not synonymous with being unsafe.

There was something that I found strangely familiar about the behaviors and nature of the cult of Scientology, and cults in general. The repeating of the approved phrases. The look of tense fear in the eyes. Conditioned behavior. Tangible consequences for stepping out of line. Ru Paul. OUTtv, February 9, Rick Ross. Guardian News and Media, May 27, God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers?

What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

He wondered what we would do to move beyond religious ways of seeing and being with each other. It's not controversial to say Astrology is part of queer culture. New York: Vintage. Foucault on Language and Liberation: we need a minimal amount of freedom to articulate our liberation. Power affects how we see our freedom. Ever since my grade four teacher called me to the front of the room and asked when my birthday was and told me I was a Cancer. And I didn't know what a Cancer was, except that I knew people could get cancer and that that was bad.

I was sure I wasn't bad, so I wanted to know what a Cancer was so I could prove it wasn't bad. Which is a placement that bridges mind and heart, where Gemini is mind and Cancer is heart. So the worlds that I try to bridge in philosophy and poetry are reflected in my stars. I think I would be missing something to talk about how queers see each other, and how I see myself in queer community, and leave out Astrology. According to Mythology, Saturn is a planet whose energy asks us to look at structures and systems and ask if they have integrity.

And when Saturn returns to the same place in the sky when we were born, it asks us if what we've built so far is load-bearing. It asks us to wonder if we want to keep building in the same way. It asks if our projects and plans follow from our heart and our hopes. Saturn tests our castles. Saturn returns when people are , and again when people are My Saturn return happened immediately after I publicly called out a trans guy for sexually assaulting me at the time of the call-out it was his Saturn return.

Then when my return started, I was hacked and cyber-0stalked by one of his friends. Saturn returned to look at me, and it could see with fullness that there were gaps in the structure of my life. Saturn, represented by the goat, was feeling ignited.

And then a room in a year-old farmhouse on Cortes Island, where a would-be cult leader from Toronto taught me what he had googled about raising the biggest pigs on the island. I feel like I can relate to this story in how I dealt with my trauma. I feel like I needed to go off away from everyone I knew, up the mountain.

A social injury that was caused by socializing with humans. I was starting to identify as having queer PTSD. I wasn't sure how I could ever write about queer content or engage with queer audience again. So I went to a queer land project in the interior of BC.

I think in my traumatized state, I was hoping that other traumatized queers would be able to see and hold me. I fell in love with a genderqueer femme witch, and I witnessed the collapse of their epic relationship to their femme trans pregnant partner. The aftermath of that left deep gashes and scorched earth. Which requires genuinely safer space. Which requires being able to look at structural flaws in the flow and fix them. And it requires that we learn how to live in reciprocal relationship with each other.

It requires that we integrate Saturnine teachings. I doubt that such pain makes us "better"; but I know it makes us more profound In the end, lest what is most important remain unsaid: from such abysses, from such severe sickness, one returns newborn, having shed one's skin The part of us that is hurting does not heal in the dark; we must turn on the light to look at it.

We must pay attention. MeToo stories are becoming normal. In this new world, people are named publicly for committing sexual violence. Lots of people. People you love. The friends of someone who is called out for sexual assault play a significant role in shaping the aftermath of the call-out. Friends form the jury in the court of public opinion and can make a life or death difference to both the survivor and the person being called out. A few years ago, I did a MeToo-style call-out.

And I lived through painful aftermath. So, I have some ideas to offer… Please take what feels right and leave the rest. If you have a friend who was called out for sexual assault, the way you respond matters. Ask what they need to feel supported and offer to give them space. They may become unstable or at risk of self-harm or retaliation - if the situation looks risky, call your local suicide help line. Many of these counsellors and support groups offer support to communities as they address sexual violence.

Supporting your friend means helping them step into accountability. It will probably be a huge moment in your life. Check in with yourself. He felt that I had drifted away from asking questions and that I had wandered into the realm of lecturing. It is still being created, recreated, formed, and reformed, and I want to be a part of its ongoing evolution.

In the wake of MeToo, it is has become widely accepted that the norm for masculinity is toxic: competitive, judgmental, and threatening… people with masculinity need to do better December 11, December 9, So I created radicalmascs. We support each other by: - sharing our stories - listening with open hearts - encouraging each other to grow Do you crave belonging to a community that encourages people to have a conscious relationship to masculinity?

Join Us? Accessed April 26, We support each other by: - Sharing our vulnerable stories - listening with open hearts - encouraging each other to grow Pay what you crave: This payment system is based on the idea that if we are entering into exchange with each other based on clear communication and healthy cravings that we have cultivated; we can achieve balance. Part of this work is to re-calibrate our cravings so that we are mutually supporting each other.

Masculine people are trained to receive unreciprocated emotional labor. But no one will be turned away for lack of funds. December 7, You can return the support by participating in the group and by sharing my work.

And i want to be listened to in those ways by my friends and family. I have come to believe that support, or at least the kind that comes from long-term relationships between loved ones, is not only validation, but also grounding. Who is here, what is being said, how are we showing up? We notice community agreements. We notice what is coming up in our body. While initially copy works properly after the change in shell. Specifically, flac2all seems to get confused and mixes up the filename with the album directory name.

Greetings, thank you for bringing this to my attention. Can you please provide the exact shell command you ran? Then I will try to replicate on my test set. Bug may be unrelated, though. Ok, I have made fixes in branch "issue". Can you please test this branch against the previously failing files and report results. You should be able to just check out the branch directly using git.

It looks like it's half-fixed. It's now processing the files and folders correctly. However, while the copy function seems to work based on the output:. Thanks cleinias. Good to hear it is working for you thehumandistraction Are the files being copied at all? That is odd as on my local test it copied the files fine. I will re-run the branch now to confirm. I'm finding the issue version works correctly, however, when running an a large directory hierarchy that has just a few new flac files added, if the -c option is used it does the transcoding as needed in a few minutes and then spends hours very slowly recopying the few hundred small non-flac files or possibly just listing them, I don't know if it actually copies.

Without -c it finishes up the expected few minutes time. Ok, so it seems the copy function does not go through the multiprocess code. It does however, work in the clustered mode. I will look into fixing that. The easiest thing to do was to remove it, and make the whole system work on ZMQ internally.

If nothing else, I only have one set of bugs to fix this way. I have created a new branch, called "version5-purezmq", which in my tests seems to copy things correctly, and do so in parallel. Could you give it a test? With or without -c option it spawns 20 workers on my 10 core processor with two threads each, so that sounds right and then lists, in batches of or so not 20!

That sounds like how it should be working. The batches are how often the message bus is polled, and not related to the number of workers. The number of workers will not change based on "-c" or not, what will change is the number of tasks as each "copy" is counted as a task, as well as the encode. If not, try a fresh pull into the branch, as I have been refactoring the copy logic in the last 2 hours.

It appears to work but it's taking 45 minutes go through 15, flac files even if nothing actually needs transcoding, as if it's managing to only check a few files per second to see that the output file already exists. The -issue45 version not using the -c option is far faster when no files needed transcoding, I just tried and it took 1 min 10 sec. It was only this slow with -c. I have to say, that is peculiar. I just ran a time test between the version5-purezmq branch, and the version5 branch that still has the old multiprocess code in it, and issue45 merged in.

The purezmq branch in my case finishes much faster 35 seconds vs 8 minutes for the old code in real time , but looking at CPU time, the new branch took 2. So the old code is faster in CPU time, but on my system it takes a lot longer to complete in real time, which is why for me the zmq version was always more performant. I am not sure why. Sure there is some overhead in setting up the ZMQ channels, but that should not scale with number of files. I will run two cycles against my entire FLAC collection 22, files , and see how the timings compare.

Until then, my results below:. Ok, I think I have found the cause. With the new changes the version5-purezmq branch is about 2x faster than version5 in CPU time. Now all the messages about files being skipped or copied scroll by in a blur instead of slow enough to literally be readable and its done in a minute and a half clock time.

It looks like the copy function does seem to be fixed. Because of this the ZMQ ports also remain open causing flac2all to not be able to run again unless all of the previously spawned processes are killed:. It will always display the error at the beginning:. I've not seen the ZMQ "address in use" error unless I kill the process uncleanly. I've been running it in a loop and it always terminated just fine. What OS are you running on?

I will have to try and replicate that bug first, then I can look at fixing it. And "-n" not working has been raised in 50 , so I will most likely post updates to that over there when I get to it. Well, I've been running it in a loop since my last message. It has done 31, cycles with no errors or orphaned processes at all.

Sorry but so far I am unable to reproduce the issue you are seeing. I saw it much more with the previous versions, I can confirm I've seen this latest take minutes to terminate after finishing and then leave the hanging processes once but I can't reproduce it. Yes, the previous versions did have a bug which caused orphaned processes, that was fixed roughly when I fixed the copy code. One off events like that are hard to debug. If it was a reproducible bug, then we could investigate further and issue a fix.

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Craps betting strategy He wondered what we would do to move beyond religious ways of seeing and being with each other. Figure 9: Redacted. One off events like that are hard to debug. He then published a second article explaining that what they were idolizing was an illusion of their own egos. Gordon, and Colin Gordon.
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The Light of Things Hoped For starts off strong with the only actual lyrically upbeat song on the album. This song, deemed "The Sun Also Rises," has been on the internet for several months and has made the Saint Saturn fans beg for more. Up next is "Binary," which slows the pace down from the opener, and is an acoustic ballad of reflection on failed relationships. Towards the end, it breaks into a full blast of energy reminding you the musical genius of Reese Roper and the guys.

In fact some might be shocked by the pseudo-censored line, "When you hear this song I hope it hurts like The fourth track on the disc, "Anastasia," plays out a tale of yearning love for a young woman, with the main focus of this canticle being about Anastasia's beauty and the narrator's passionate love for her really makes you really think that the pain that was so present on the first disc has eased some this go around. Once again, we have another acoustic guitar driven ballad, "Estrella," that will surely remind you of the heart-wrenching "Under Bridges" with lines like, " The angels wings will cover you tonight, Hallelujah!

Press your head against the breast of Christ, Hallelujah! FIF and Saint Saturn fans always enjoy the songs by him and this should be no exception. This would probably be my least favorite track on the album as it's a soothing tune, but is really the only song that doesn't stand out as being a past caliber effort. The keyboard-laced punk ditty "I Fell Away" is a personal highlight, as it shows these guys really know how to make a potentially lame song into a surely memorable one.

The second track sung by Dennis, "Recall," focuses on past mistakes and how the singer is now dealing with them. Drinking Hanging Out In Love. Introspection Late Night Partying. Rainy Day Relaxation Road Trip.

Romantic Evening Sex All Themes. Articles Features Interviews Lists. Streams Videos All Posts. My Profile. Advanced Search. Release Date March 25, Track Listing. The Sun Also Rises. Brave Saint Saturn. Heart Still Beats. Babies Breath. I Fell Away.

BINARY OPTIONS PLATFORMS AUSTRALIA POST

Not only is there infinity, but we can traverse infinity. In Ivan Coyote and Rae Spoon published Gender Failure, a book exploring both the ways in which they fail to fit into the gender binary, and the ways the gender binary, in all of its rigidness, fails to recognize all of us. When we adopt a nebulous view of gender, where it is difficult to define, but generally there is an agreement that there seems to be two poles, and layer into that the idea that there is not only infinite space between those poles, but that there is also infinite possibilities for movement- we arrive in the reality that genderqueers, genderfucks, gender anarchists, gender retirees, choose to live in.

And it is difficult to describe to people outside this culture, because the bedrock of these identities requires a movement towards non-binary thinking- an existential shift towards viewing the world less in black and white terms, and less in fixed terms.

It means living a life of faith in the grey and the changeable. Because in a state of fear, in a pattern of learned vigilance, there isn't any time to wonder. It fosters binary thinking. And one of the ways of healing this stress response is to use cognitive behavioral therapy to remind ourselves that there is room for grey and for movement between the extremeness In Zen Buddhism people are encouraged to see the middle way between extremes, where things are neither entirely fixed nor completely changeable.

Nietzsche also talks about looking to nature, which is inherently fluid, as a working metaphor for the broader nature of things. Evidence of a fluid universe on both a micro and macro level. If we take fluidity as a given, then poetry makes more sense than analytical writing, which takes a false hidden premise enthymeme that words have a relationship to the concepts they represent.

If we buy the idea of gesture, that 21 Interestingly, many queer people develop BPD, as a result of their gender performance being persecuted. This persecution creates a very real and justified fear of strangers because there is a very real possibility that strangers will cause some degree of harm to visibly queer people. This plays out as genderqueer people walk down the street, confronted with people who stare at them and make rude and degrading comments.

People who receive stares like this can become extremely literate in body language because their safety depends on it. And they can find themselves in a state of vigilance walking down the street where they are looking for micro-expressions of disgust, fear, curiosity, confusion. Because basic dignity and physical safety can depend on being able to read micro-expressions. So, a non-binary perspective, for queer people, is often both the cause of trauma, and the healing salve. Queers often dance in between male and female, and in between enemy and friend And every weekend, queers dance in clubs, warehouse parties, and drag shows.

Something to wonder about: conceptual dancing and literal dancing are integral to queer culture. They both dress and act in ways that fall outside of the gender binary. So we went for a walk in downtown Vancouver, and took some pictures… We experienced rubbernecking: entitled watching; unfounded staring; voyeurism.

Figure 5: thewaywelookmatters Taz is walking down the street, while a couple stares. This is the kind of image I was most interested in catching. This method of public photography is riffing off of the work of Haley Morris Cafiero, who specializes in bullying photography; where the goal is to catch the facial expressions of passers-by and spread awareness of fat-phobia. This is the nature of how queer bodies are typically read in space.

In order to do the kind of shoot that was in alignment with the letter of what I applied to do, I would have had to discard shots, change the framing to exclude members of the public, and ask the photographer to change the focus. A redacting. A repressing of a certain kind of looking. The staring is overt, unkind, and unnecessary. The Watchers.

Ontario, Canada: The Magenta Foundation, Queer Phenomenology: Orientations, Objects, Others. Durham: Duke University Press. The proposition was to treat queer bodies as photographic subjects in public space.

But we knew that the queer subjects would become objects, without our consent or control, and this is what we actually wanted to document- a kind of queer subjectivity failure: the othering of queer subjects, the turning of queer subjects into strange objects in public space. At the end of the. They are now seeing themselves be seen- turning them and their gawking into the object.

Does this replicate the harm of the gawking? Are we now gawking at them? I think it depends how we have this conversation. It depends how much humanity we leave gawker. As I was describing the process of describing myself describing gawking in this piece to my partner, who is familiar with how visible queers are gawked at, they told me about how earlier that day they had been gawked at. They identify as an invisibilized femme, where femme is a queering of feminine. They were in a liquor store: and at the checkout the cashier asked them about the pin on their vest.

Returning to the disciplining quality of prescriptive grammar where people believe that if "they" is prescribed to refer to multiple people in the dictionary , that trumps the reality of "they" being used for singular genderqueer people in queer culture, and the validating quality of institutional stamps of approval where the difference between urban dictionary and Oxford dictionary determines the validity of word usage.

We should also consider the ways that we allow rules of grammar to trump other dialects or communication. We don't need to build walls of exclusion around language. Rhetoric is about bridge-building. Time slows down. There is more meaning in what they are looking at than they can fit into their current reality. Cognitive dissonance occurs. And rejection or integration, or some combination of both follows.

The process of asking for witnessing from people who can't see you can damage your voice. It becomes a crisis of audience. A rhetorical impossibility. Gender Failure. Vancouver: Arsenal Pulp Press, , March 3, Like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. This happened to me. I could feel it as my voice went. First I started saying that I was getting burnt-out from defending myself. I couldn't talk about anything that felt like I was holding more than one piece of information at a time, as if my need to always be holding what people couldn't see about my story right there in case I needed to leap to my own defense.

I was a burnt-out defense attorney who couldn't stand up for myself anymore. So I left the city to work on farms and be with animals and plants. Many queers exist in a steady state of solidarity scarcity. We sometimes trade our dignity to walk on the surface and feel normal. My queer PTSD was getting tripped. It was the feeling I get when I'm in proximity to queers who might have bad blood with each other. In fact, they explain many times in the book, that since they do not 56 The language they use to describe gender is both the cause and the effect of this.

Vancouver: Arsenal Pulp Press. To reject the binary that rejects them. The conversation they had with my friend was a pivotal changing point for them. Or is that too binary? I wanted to hear what was going on for my friend in that moment. We texted and processed it. Sometimes queers fail to see each other. There are probably gaps in my ability to interpret both of their experiences.

I notice I keep the rawest details to myself now. Something about having the police officer ask me to write it all out in more detail than I ever had. Something about how she told me there was nothing she could do with that information because it contained no evidence. I was hemorrhaging details everywhere, but not enough to drink. Something about how I hoped she would be able to do more than nothing because she was a woman. And maybe she would be able to sympathize because maybe she or someone she knew had been raped too.

So I have a vigilance now, where I notice that I assume someone will find my assault details simultaneously too heavy, and yet not solid enough to count. I struggle to imagine an audience I can reach. If I imagine a non-queer audience then I feel like talking about my journey through gender pronouns something that can feel like both a basic, yet advanced and abstract aspect of myself, depending on who I'm talking to is too much of a Gender 30 type conversation, and that it would be best for me to use the most entry level gender language.

This is a safety calculous. I am assessing where I will lose you. Figure 9: Redacted. If I imagine a queer audience, I flinch at the idea of sharing the information that I publicly called out a trans guy for rape. So a white passing trans guy, calling out another white passing trans guy, is challenging for queer community to understand and show support towards.

I believe both the perpetrator and the survivor deserve support, and I believe healing and resolution can come about that way. I was using the medium started by Project Unbreakable, where victims of sexual assault take a picture of themselves holding a sign with a quote from their rapist. The idea is that in doing this they are reclaiming agency over the moment, and making themselves whole again, and thus unbreakable. But I do feel able to share the ways in which sharing that photo felt vulnerable, and the ways in which my silence has changed shape.

At the time of the original photo, I wanted people to know the intimate details. I would rather share the ways in which the sharing process itself hurt. And sharing about that blur has been having an unbarring effect. When in fact my experience around most of the pieces that lead to being able to write this were bloody, doubt-filled and confusing. This piece will likely be perceived to be too subjective and sloppy. And then this makes the stakes very high that your little pocket of trees be safe.

Morton, Alexandra, and Billy Proctor. A Look at the Phrase's Year History. Accessed April 12, It was about showing up to a queer party, just as a femme and a drag queen were making fun of sex workers. Amber Dawn explains that it was literally blocks from where sex workers she knew had disappeared. She talked about feeling betrayed by queer community.

Feeling unsafe in her body. I recognized that story partly because that kind of scenario is typical of lateral aggressions at queer parties. Queer partying is 1-part liberation, 1-part anxiety, and 1-part daggers cutting into lifelong wounds to the pulse of house music. Queer social anxiety is often a mix of excitement and well-founded fear. The other reason I recognized the story was because I was there that night.

I was standing outside. I watched Amber Dawn arrive. I watched the femme and the drag queen, who were my friends, make the joke. I watched Amber Dawn tell them to never ever talk about those women like that. And in that moment, it functioned as basically saying nothing. It was too quiet. No research survey can quantify the harmful impact of having your queer communities-- your so called safe inclusive spaces -- other you again and again. Where safety is considered a collaborative process, and where absolute, binary safety65 is considered unattainable.

This revision focuses more on promising to increase safety, rather than promising total safety. This feels more honest. Less gas-lighty. Vancouver: Arsenal Pulp Press, , 65 Where safety is understood to exist if and only if all danger is removed, in a safety or danger, never safety and danger framework. It results in someone losing faith in their own perspective.

It damages eyes and voices. It encourages fake smiles and forced stories of good times. I wanted to talk about how my friend who insulted sex workers could be both an uplifting part of the overall vibe of the party, and also, in that moment, an undermining quality. In an environment where total safety has been promised, a breach in that safety means total failure. I wished there was a way in which we were expecting degrees of failure that night. Figure More Looking. People would have been more open to 67 Dawn, Amber.

I felt like I was under scrutiny to see if I was just trigger happy and oversensitive. I was unsure. And in flinching, and letting the moment pass me by, I was a bystander. They are tangible. That's also why I came out publicly about being sexually assaulted. Before coming out I'd talked about the experience privately with friends and acquaintances, but there was always something that felt kind of hypothetical about what I was sharing. I was sharing the feeling about being sexually assaulted, which was being disregarded just as easily as my feelings-based way of being in the world has been countless times.

I did however talk to my boss the next day and I told him that something had happened, and that we needed to make a plan to address it. At the time I suggested this, my boss agreed. But he said he wanted to have the conversation with her privately. I contacted him. I quit after that conversation.

And I wonder if that was the right decision every day. Maybe I could have worked it out with him. Real or imagined- it would have worn me down. And when I published it, more people believed me. Many people did not, and eventually their skepticism created an acid fog that made it impossible for me to continue living in Vancouver with any shred of self-0respect or dignity.

But even as I was existing under their skeptical looks, I could tell they felt they were looking at something. They were engaging with something real. They had likely read it or heard about it. That piece was real. Afterwards he went into hiding and left the city. That piece is real too. I had gotten them to see something. Even if I wasn't being held deep enough or warm enough. Sometimes people don't understand what they see and reject it, and sometimes people know what they're seeing but the reality of what they're looking at is too much to integrate, and so they scowl or look away.

I wanted to be able to show other people what it was like to be looked at the way I was getting looked at. My friend who didn't receive those looks could see. They could see people glaring at me on the bus or rubbernecking as they walked past me on the street. That there would be something about it that would make it feel like it was happening to them.

Because I started to look like I fit in a gender box. And I did receive glares. But if you put a frog in tepid water, and then increase the temperature slowly, the water will eventually come to a boil and the frog will stay in the pot and die. I found her blocking particularly inspiring. The way she positioned herself, doing mundane activities, in public space. I also really appreciate the concept behind her next project: capturing the looks of surprise on people who notice she is taking pictures of people.

She also takes her pictures to art galleries which brings in another layer of audience looking at the looking. The confusion triggered anger in him. He wanted me to explain myself to him as he yelled at me. He thought his need to understand my gender had priority over the dignity I was losing by enduring his pointing and his questions.

After the viral video of the woman walking through New York,72 there were countless videos of a similar nature; documenting how gay men, disabled people and fat people are looked at as they walk down the street. People were hungry to explain to the world that micro-expressions can amount to micro-aggressions, and microaggressions matter.

The way we look matters. We talked while we looked at the footage together. Before the shoot, in our first interview they were excited. They knew they had a gender performance that attracted a lot of staring. They said they were interested in documenting and seeing that. After the performance, one month later, they were more masculine than I had ever seen them.

I felt bad for noticing that. That day Justin was talking about how queer visibility is hard in the gaming community. They were making themselves abundantly visible to help those who were afraid to be seen feel like there was someone else holding that spotlight.

When I saw them one month after our shoot, they were standing adjacent to that spotlight. We talked about that too. They said they were pulling that part of themselves in for a bit, to take a break. So they don't burn out. October 28, The idea is that photograph are more evocative than words, and that photos transport us somewhere. I wanted us to feel transported back to the scene, to feel those eyes again, and to talk about it.

Not all of us are doing this all the time. And sometimes queers weaponize their victim statuses against each other. They thought that I was struggling to handle rejection and that I wanted revenge. The reason someone coming out about sexual assault can be perceived that way in the queer community is because of how rampant this kind of behavior is.

It has to escalate to the level of a call-out because there are gaps in our collective protocol around how we as a culture respond to sexual assault. It has since been taken down after the blog closed. Sometimes queers are assholes. And lots of them are that way for very understandable reasons. And sometimes this doesn't make the assholery ok.

And sometimes it does. Resting bitch face falls along these strata. Resting bitch face,76 if you are unfamiliar, is when someone's baseline facial expression is cold. They're always glaring at the world, to some degree. In the queer community it's part of the culture to know that lots of queers have resting bitch face. And it's also part of the lore to believe that the reason for this is because normies do us wrong won't hire queers, won't rent to queers, won't look at or treat queers nicely, the degree and visibility of this varies based on the degree of gender failure and geography.

There are so many understandable reasons for resting bitch face and so many tragic consequences. I think a similar logic can be used to understand resting bitch face in queers many of whom identify as women, or who have feminized experiences. The leader of this movement was Michael Alig who then goes on to end the movement79 by murdering his social competitor and roommate.

The narrative of the documentary suggests that it was childhood bullying that forged Alig into a Disco Murder. Maybe it's because queers often experience rejection at fundamental developmental times that we have trouble holding each other gently.

Sometimes we become party monsters and devour each other. Bailey Fenton. New York: World of Wonder, Although both sections of the city are LGBTQ, during the 3 years I lived there,80 EastVan had more people who were assigned female at birth and may now identify as: lesbians, transmen, nonbinary etc. And the West End has more people assigned male at birth who are attracted to other people assigned male at birth or transmen.

I found it particularly challenging to move east and west, from queer space to gay space and back. Nonetheless we have tangible experiences in these communities, and it can be helpful to talk about our experiences in these changing micro-cultures like they are nonetheless real even thought they are multifaceted, multiple, and changing cultures. We do not have one consistent agenda.

Every Body. Vancouver Art and Leisure Society was supposed to be a space where everyone could party: gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, kinky, festival-goers, club kids. LGBTQ and more! I started working in this organization by reaching out to the owner who was being inundated by a public call-out. I told him that I might be able to help him out, because it appeared as though he had made a faux pas without knowing. This was normal on the West End. It was social suicide in EastVan.

It is expected that if you are putting on an event for one member of a marginalized group, that you will be making room at the table for everyone. This means knowing how people in wheelchairs are going to experience your event and making those details clear to people as you advertise your event.

In the West End people want to know 1 who is performing. Gay and Queer are distinct yet overlapping cultures. Gays were traditionally cis-men who were persecuted in gay bars. Their liberation involves happily partying without getting beat up or killed. People who used to be gay now identify as queer; The cultures are mixing.

But the spirit of the message was that we wanted people from east and west to converge on main street to mix with bisexuals and straight festival go-er 45 Figure Vancouver Club Kids. I remembered thinking it seemed like an iconic moment. The image seems to call to mind a timeless club kid, unbothered by the goings on of the Nocturnal, and living in the underground.

Night Visions: Beyond Good and Evil. Nothing could be worse or more dangerous. Worse, in the sense that to romanticize their situation is to give it a false nobility and no onus for anyone to push for change. Dangerous because you are ill-advised to stop counting sheep when wolves are about… I am here to insist you stop turning a blind eye to far corners of our society.

We are all our brother's keepers. If not, then who will come for us when we need help? Baron 46 These guys were gender failures and gender fucks too. What could go wrong? It was speculated that this was retaliation for stealing customers from the West End. Global News, January 8, Sometimes they cannibalize.

We are not unanimous about the gay agenda. The gays prefer screaming, body contact, sarcasm. The queers prefer conversations about consent. Bisexual people can party with any of them. But they also feel left out a lot.

In my time working there I witnessed women coming to me to report consent violations I guess the limited conversations about consent was a complicated policy. I think we are able to hold each other well when we look at our trauma and rework it. I think that applies to everyone, not just queers. After all, I can at least blame the cruelty of straight, cis society on homophobia and transphobia. But why are queers so mean to queers?

The right party can be a powerful dialectic between action and theory. The right moments at a parties have profound butterfly-effect-esque impacts on cultural trends. August 16, What impact might that collective trauma have upon our bodies and spirits? Trauma theory holds that traumatized individuals — and, I hypothesize, queer and trans community as a whole — have well-worn neural networks shaped around the deeply held physical sensation that we are constantly in danger, that we are bad and unlovable, that others are untrustworthy and violent.

Every time we are abused, discriminated against or neglected, those neural networks become stronger, while our neural networks associated with safety and loving relationships atrophy. We become physically less capable of imagining a world where being with others is not synonymous with being unsafe. There was something that I found strangely familiar about the behaviors and nature of the cult of Scientology, and cults in general.

The repeating of the approved phrases. The look of tense fear in the eyes. Conditioned behavior. Tangible consequences for stepping out of line. Ru Paul. OUTtv, February 9, Rick Ross. Guardian News and Media, May 27, God remains dead. And we have killed him.

How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

He wondered what we would do to move beyond religious ways of seeing and being with each other. It's not controversial to say Astrology is part of queer culture. New York: Vintage. Foucault on Language and Liberation: we need a minimal amount of freedom to articulate our liberation. Power affects how we see our freedom. Ever since my grade four teacher called me to the front of the room and asked when my birthday was and told me I was a Cancer. And I didn't know what a Cancer was, except that I knew people could get cancer and that that was bad.

I was sure I wasn't bad, so I wanted to know what a Cancer was so I could prove it wasn't bad. Which is a placement that bridges mind and heart, where Gemini is mind and Cancer is heart. So the worlds that I try to bridge in philosophy and poetry are reflected in my stars. I think I would be missing something to talk about how queers see each other, and how I see myself in queer community, and leave out Astrology.

According to Mythology, Saturn is a planet whose energy asks us to look at structures and systems and ask if they have integrity. And when Saturn returns to the same place in the sky when we were born, it asks us if what we've built so far is load-bearing.

It asks us to wonder if we want to keep building in the same way. It asks if our projects and plans follow from our heart and our hopes. Saturn tests our castles. Saturn returns when people are , and again when people are My Saturn return happened immediately after I publicly called out a trans guy for sexually assaulting me at the time of the call-out it was his Saturn return.

Then when my return started, I was hacked and cyber-0stalked by one of his friends. Saturn returned to look at me, and it could see with fullness that there were gaps in the structure of my life. Saturn, represented by the goat, was feeling ignited. And then a room in a year-old farmhouse on Cortes Island, where a would-be cult leader from Toronto taught me what he had googled about raising the biggest pigs on the island.

I feel like I can relate to this story in how I dealt with my trauma. I feel like I needed to go off away from everyone I knew, up the mountain. A social injury that was caused by socializing with humans. I was starting to identify as having queer PTSD. I wasn't sure how I could ever write about queer content or engage with queer audience again.

So I went to a queer land project in the interior of BC. I think in my traumatized state, I was hoping that other traumatized queers would be able to see and hold me. I fell in love with a genderqueer femme witch, and I witnessed the collapse of their epic relationship to their femme trans pregnant partner.

The aftermath of that left deep gashes and scorched earth. Which requires genuinely safer space. Which requires being able to look at structural flaws in the flow and fix them. And it requires that we learn how to live in reciprocal relationship with each other.

It requires that we integrate Saturnine teachings. I doubt that such pain makes us "better"; but I know it makes us more profound In the end, lest what is most important remain unsaid: from such abysses, from such severe sickness, one returns newborn, having shed one's skin The part of us that is hurting does not heal in the dark; we must turn on the light to look at it. We must pay attention. MeToo stories are becoming normal. In this new world, people are named publicly for committing sexual violence.

Lots of people. People you love. The friends of someone who is called out for sexual assault play a significant role in shaping the aftermath of the call-out. Friends form the jury in the court of public opinion and can make a life or death difference to both the survivor and the person being called out.

A few years ago, I did a MeToo-style call-out. And I lived through painful aftermath. So, I have some ideas to offer… Please take what feels right and leave the rest. If you have a friend who was called out for sexual assault, the way you respond matters. Ask what they need to feel supported and offer to give them space. They may become unstable or at risk of self-harm or retaliation - if the situation looks risky, call your local suicide help line.

Many of these counsellors and support groups offer support to communities as they address sexual violence. Supporting your friend means helping them step into accountability. It will probably be a huge moment in your life. Check in with yourself. He felt that I had drifted away from asking questions and that I had wandered into the realm of lecturing.

It is still being created, recreated, formed, and reformed, and I want to be a part of its ongoing evolution. In the wake of MeToo, it is has become widely accepted that the norm for masculinity is toxic: competitive, judgmental, and threatening… people with masculinity need to do better December 11, December 9, So I created radicalmascs. We support each other by: - sharing our stories - listening with open hearts - encouraging each other to grow Do you crave belonging to a community that encourages people to have a conscious relationship to masculinity?

Join Us? Accessed April 26, We support each other by: - Sharing our vulnerable stories - listening with open hearts - encouraging each other to grow Pay what you crave: This payment system is based on the idea that if we are entering into exchange with each other based on clear communication and healthy cravings that we have cultivated; we can achieve balance.

Part of this work is to re-calibrate our cravings so that we are mutually supporting each other. Masculine people are trained to receive unreciprocated emotional labor. But no one will be turned away for lack of funds. December 7, You can return the support by participating in the group and by sharing my work. And i want to be listened to in those ways by my friends and family. I have come to believe that support, or at least the kind that comes from long-term relationships between loved ones, is not only validation, but also grounding.

Who is here, what is being said, how are we showing up? We notice community agreements. We notice what is coming up in our body. Compassionate communication: we hold that people are strong. Hold it up against different ethical frameworks, including our guts. We start dialogues. We unpack things that come up. We call-to: - Instead of focusing on the person who did something, we focus on the topic Not safe space, brave space.

In some ways I was too late to publish this work and contribute meaningfully to the public dialogue on StreetHarassment. And in some ways I was too early when I told my own public MeToo story, two years before it became a movement. In a post-Weinstein climate, I wonder if my story would have been heard differently if I waited a couple years. The public imaginary has been primed to hear these stories now.

These stories teach a protocol of right and wrong ways to hear a sexual assault story. This kind of seeing is preventing people from falling through the cracks It never seems like the right time to share bad news. And these stories are felt as bad news. They are traumatic to tell, and traumatic to hear. I have found the process healing to my own personal story and how I talk about and see myself.

This is why I have written about this somewhat chronologically Somewhat linearly So that you can see my voice and perspective change. I felt very confused when I saw the MeToo controversy erupt at my university. A professor in my Department was called out by a student. A famous Canadian author weighed in. I ended up becoming part of my own performance when I made a call-out that wasn't received in the way I would have liked, which hurt, proving again that the way we look matters.

This time with a focus on what it's like to be witnessed by queers. Our painful truths, our exciting truths, our weird and boring truths. I realized in collecting this footage that everyone can be looked at like this. And then again when I held a cardboard sign quoting my rapist. Fundamentally, having unsympathetic eyes on us hurts. Glaring hurts. I think it hurts anyone who is aware it is happening, because I believe we are pack animals who thrive with healthy connections and feel pain in strained hostile relationships.

In showing people how easily queers are gawked at I hope I made a point that those who aren't looked at like this all the time should have some sympathy for what it must be like to live under a gauntlet of that kind of harshness, squinting eyes, tight lips, shoulders and heart turned away 64 Figure Looking at the bus stop. Some don't. It helped me remember why people do that. This has been an exposure therapy and my voice is coming back. I wonder if anyone really needs another instructive listicle.

When I ask myself why I included a listicle in here, the answer that comes to me is -Because You Needed To Say It- I needed to be able to delineate harm and wrongful action. And now that I have, I want to talk about something else. And I want to talk differently. I want to let go of some significant resentment and cultivate hope. When you focus on answers it can lead to culty-ness. Is this what happens at the extreme end of the spectrum when we switch from asking questions to fighting for answers?

We start getting dogmatic? We want to start a group for our teachings? Ok, so it seems the copy function does not go through the multiprocess code. It does however, work in the clustered mode. I will look into fixing that. The easiest thing to do was to remove it, and make the whole system work on ZMQ internally. If nothing else, I only have one set of bugs to fix this way. I have created a new branch, called "version5-purezmq", which in my tests seems to copy things correctly, and do so in parallel.

Could you give it a test? With or without -c option it spawns 20 workers on my 10 core processor with two threads each, so that sounds right and then lists, in batches of or so not 20! That sounds like how it should be working. The batches are how often the message bus is polled, and not related to the number of workers.

The number of workers will not change based on "-c" or not, what will change is the number of tasks as each "copy" is counted as a task, as well as the encode. If not, try a fresh pull into the branch, as I have been refactoring the copy logic in the last 2 hours. It appears to work but it's taking 45 minutes go through 15, flac files even if nothing actually needs transcoding, as if it's managing to only check a few files per second to see that the output file already exists.

The -issue45 version not using the -c option is far faster when no files needed transcoding, I just tried and it took 1 min 10 sec. It was only this slow with -c. I have to say, that is peculiar. I just ran a time test between the version5-purezmq branch, and the version5 branch that still has the old multiprocess code in it, and issue45 merged in. The purezmq branch in my case finishes much faster 35 seconds vs 8 minutes for the old code in real time , but looking at CPU time, the new branch took 2.

So the old code is faster in CPU time, but on my system it takes a lot longer to complete in real time, which is why for me the zmq version was always more performant. I am not sure why. Sure there is some overhead in setting up the ZMQ channels, but that should not scale with number of files.

I will run two cycles against my entire FLAC collection 22, files , and see how the timings compare. Until then, my results below:. Ok, I think I have found the cause. With the new changes the version5-purezmq branch is about 2x faster than version5 in CPU time.

Now all the messages about files being skipped or copied scroll by in a blur instead of slow enough to literally be readable and its done in a minute and a half clock time. It looks like the copy function does seem to be fixed. Because of this the ZMQ ports also remain open causing flac2all to not be able to run again unless all of the previously spawned processes are killed:. It will always display the error at the beginning:. I've not seen the ZMQ "address in use" error unless I kill the process uncleanly.

I've been running it in a loop and it always terminated just fine. What OS are you running on? I will have to try and replicate that bug first, then I can look at fixing it. And "-n" not working has been raised in 50 , so I will most likely post updates to that over there when I get to it. Well, I've been running it in a loop since my last message. It has done 31, cycles with no errors or orphaned processes at all.

Sorry but so far I am unable to reproduce the issue you are seeing. I saw it much more with the previous versions, I can confirm I've seen this latest take minutes to terminate after finishing and then leave the hanging processes once but I can't reproduce it.

Yes, the previous versions did have a bug which caused orphaned processes, that was fixed roughly when I fixed the copy code. One off events like that are hard to debug. If it was a reproducible bug, then we could investigate further and issue a fix. I know the propagation of terminate signals needs to be improved, and that is on my TODO list. Unless anyone objects or has anything further to add, I would like to close this ticket now?

For the "-n" not working, 50 is what you want to watch. Yes, I agree. Thanks again for taking the time to fix this! Skip to content. New issue. Jump to bottom. Labels Awaiting Response bug. Copy link. Greetings, In the latest version 5.

Sorry for the late response. Thanks, will try to replicate and have a look. Will update ticket with results. ZivaVatra self-assigned this Feb 24, ZivaVatra added the bug label Feb 24, Bug confirmed on an Arch system, package installed today. ZivaVatra added the Awaiting Response label Feb 27,

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